Yes.

I need to say yes. I've been making a lot of promises lately,  almost all to myself, and I haven't been good about keeping them. I say yes initially, and then I find a reason to say no. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself, and all these "nos" are taking a toll.  Instead of enjoying my time off, taking in every moment of good weather (without the humidity that will KILL me later this summer), I'm more depressed than I have been in a year, and I'm certain it's because I'm afraid to say yes.

Intellectually, it's easy to see the cycle that keeps me down. I hole up, I don't visit with people, I cancel plans, I keep to myself.  Then I have so much time alone to dwell on how lonely and alone I am. I feel sadder and sorrier for myself. I get angry, say I'm going to push through and reach out to others. I chicken out and climb back into my hole.  So stupid, and so obvious.  I KNOW it's a fixable problem, and I know I'M the only one who can fix it. But depression makes you feel so tired, so lazy, everything seems so pointless. I KNOW this. Now I have to CHANGE this.

Like Bob, I'm going to take baby steps.  I won't say yes to everything--it's just not gonna happen, so I don't want to set myself up to fail yet again. But I WILL say yes to at least ONE THING I don't really want to do per week, for the remainder of the summer. Yes, I will. YES, I WILL.

Finding My Way

I am directionally challenged. It's a bit of a family joke, as I once went out for morning doughnuts and ended up in another state. Yeah, without the doughnuts. Nice drive, but not what I meant to do.


Sometimes I truly enjoy the twists and turns in the road that take me in a new direction. This morning, for example, I had a 10:00 a.m. appointment, but left the house at 7:30 thinking I'd run some errands first and finish just in time. I ended up with some time to kill, so I wound my way through some neighboring towns I'd never visited.  It was a lovely morning for a drive, and I found two nature areas that provided a few minutes of respite. So it was great. 


On the other side of the coin, though, are the twists and turns that make me uneasy. The kind where I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what to expect, and I don't really want to go into something new! I know those happen to everyone--the old chestnut, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." But you'd think by this age---OLD---I'd be better prepared to go with the flow, and take changes in stride. Nope, not me. I throw a hissy fit, I curl up in a ball, I lose sleep. WTF.


I intend to work on my ability to just go with it. I love learning, and I know that each unexpected twist is an opportunity, so I'm going to strive to look for the lesson.  I'm going to go back to my meditation/mantra breathing. I want to ease on down the road, not careen wildly, trying to get back on the "right" path. 


Okay, now where did I put my keys? 

Mom, Momma, Mommy, Mama, Ma, M

Mother's Day today. Gorgeous weather, sitting out here on the deck as the sun rises. 
Here's what I think about this day. It's not the kids who should "honor" their mothers on Mother's Day--it should be the other way around. Because I can't think of ANYthing more worthy of my praise, my love, my gratitude than my children. 

Don't get me wrong; they're not perfect. Neither am I. We all learn to accept each others' foibles as we grow. I'll never stop worrying about every choice they make, I'll never stop wondering if they're happy, I'll never stop fretting that they'll make all of my mistakes and worse (though, it'll be hard to make worse choices than I do…right?)




But  I'll also never stop marveling at their creativity, laughing at their bizarre humor, and swelling with pride at their achievements. They are truly worthy of my honor and my thanks. 


So on this Mother's Day, I salute you, my beautiful children. Thank you for providing me with the life I was born to have. You are my reason for living. 

I love you. 

Oops, I did it again

Missed last week's self-imposed blog deadline. Apologies. But I forgive myself.
Today, I'm going to thank my colleagues. For always being there. I am not an open person. At least, not in my work life. It takes a lot for me to open up to "work people" about what I do in my real life, away from work. 
Not quite sure where this comes from, but I think it has to do with general paranoia. I live in a town small enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I either taught, or currently teach. I've been here long enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I taught or teach. And as a teacher, I'm supposed to be an upright citizen. Which I guess I am, mostly.
But I have things I enjoy which might not be considered "upright." At least not by today's right-leaning standards. And at my ripe old age, I've learned that these right-leaning folks can be very vocal (if misinformed). And right now, I need this job. So I don't talk much about my real life to my work friends.


But I also know that I'm missing out on some things because of this. I work with some really WONDERFUL people. Generous. Caring. And each time I'm in need, they reach out and fill the need. Without judgement. Now, my paranoid self thinks, "Probably WITH judgement, but they're kind enough to keep it to themselves." But it doesn't really matter. They are there for me, and I am so grateful. It makes me wonder, if I were only more open about my real life, I might find that they would STILL accept me, accept my left-leaning ways, accept that I'm not as upright as I appear. And they'd still be there.
But I'm not ready to let go of my paranoia. So I keep the wall up. They're still there. They make me feel so good. And I am so grateful for that. Thank you, friends. 

Gratitude and Shame

Okay, let's get the shame out of the way first. I'm ashamed because I made a promise to myself when I started this that I would write about my gratefulness once a week, on Sundays. That quickly turned into twice a month. But this time, it's been a full MONTH since I've blogged. I don't like myself when I don't keep my promises, even to myself. So I'm going to fix that.

Now for the good stuff. Today was an exhausting but happy day. I'm pretty sick, so I didn't feel much like doing anything. But daughter #3 was coming to spend the day digging through old stuff, helping me clean out the garage and a bedroom. It was a blast. She is so enchanted with anything from her childhood. I love hearing her crazy giggle as she opens a plastic bin and discovers some long-lost treasure. Today was full of moments like that, and each time, they lifted me out of my stuffy-headed funk. We may not have completed all the work I hoped to complete, but the time together was priceless. I found my treasure today.

Partners in Crime

I'm grateful for my colleagues. We are all criminals. We've been told this by our bosses, so it must be true. We all received letters in our personnel files, labeling us as "civil disobedients." 
I'm proud to stand with these miscreants.  I'm proud to sing, march, chant with them. We are bound together in a fight that will change history. And it's made us stronger. So I'm also grateful for the right to protest. While the circumstances which created the need for our protest are sickening, the protests themselves are energizing, uplifting, and life-changing.

http://whitehouse2012.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/ap_wisconsin_budget_protests_ll_ssh.jpg
My colleagues are strong, bright, creative people, and I'm proud and grateful to stand with them. 

My Little Town

Never, NEVER did I ever think I would live in a small town.  I grew up in a big city, lived in the suburbs, drove through serious rush hours, waited hours for a table at up-and-coming restaurants. I'm a CITY GIRL.
But not any more. I live in a small bedroom community, on the outskirts of a mid-size city, and I LOVE it. My girls were raised in a one-high-school town. Though this can be a real downside to small town life, I loved that we pretty much knew everyone in the school. It made it easier to know who my girls were hanging out with, easier to get to know the families, and it was wonderful to watch all of our young people grow up together.
The city we're near offers enough music, art, and theater to keep us satisfied, and when the girls were young we had lots of options for day trips and free entertainment. 
Nowadays, I have to admit, I use the bigger city for my shopping, entertainment, and social needs. The town I actually live in has begun to feel claustrophobic--I teach in this town, and have for over 20 years--so sometimes it's weird to be waited on or served by former students. I don't really enjoy having my students' parents perusing my shopping cart to see what I'm buying, and I definitely don't want to listen to local taxpayers complain about how teachers are paid too much while I'm getting my hair cut, or trying to relax at the local coffee shop. So I retreat to the city, where I can disappear. 
I'm grateful for my house, and my immediate surroundings. I still love working in a smaller school district--the people I work with are fantastic. I'm grateful for my big-city upbringing, and for my nightly retreat to small town America. But you can't entirely take the city girl out of me. 

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