What They Don't Tell You

It's always in the fine print. The little tiny words that no one ever reads. The stuff that pops up just before you click, "I agree to these terms." What terms? Do YOU ever read the fine print? I don't. I mean to. I always tell myself, "Next time I make a purchase, I'll read the terms in advance." But I don't. 

So I'm caught unprepared. I'll admit, I like surprises, true surprises. Something unexpected that touches me. I love the feeling of delight a surprise can deliver. 

I received the most lovely gift this year on Christmas Eve. The gift itself wasn't a surprise, but still, I was caught unprepared. Had I known the depth to which this surprise would touch me, I don't know if I would have (or COULD have) agreed to the terms. Because this wasn't just a surprise--this was a change-your-life-forever-after gift. And how can you prepare for that? Even if someone TELLS you that things will never be the same, can you really comprehend those terms until you are LIVING with them? This was a I-don't-know-how-to-think-how-to-act-how-to-help-with-this surprise. I am unprepared. I should have advice to give, I should have time to give, I should have money to give, I should be better at this. I am unprepared. 

But I do have gratitude and love to give. As the recipient of such a precious, precious gift, I hope to give back as much as this gift has given me. More. I may not have read the terms of this gift in advance, but I hope to show how grateful I am with each action and word. 

I know there will be many more surprises. I won't remember to read the fine print, and I'll feel unprepared. But I'll be grateful and enjoy the unexpected treasures yet to come.

Overjoyed

In "Broadcast News," William Hurt asks Albert Brooks, "What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?" Brooks' character replies, "Keep it to yourself."  
It's a dilemma. When things are going poorly for me, I post cryptic messages on Facebook; I need to let it out, but I don't want to share too much. But when things are going well, I have a harder time sharing the news. I don't want to boast, I don't want to jinx it. I want to express how lucky I feel. I want to acknowledge that I don't take any of the positive for granted, and that I probably don't deserve most of what I've been given, but it feels like bragging. 
I think I'm a good person. I believe that sending good out brings good back in. So I guess I'll just say that right now, I must be sending a whole lot of good out to the universe. And I'm grateful for what I'm getting back. Stevie says it best:  

And with the dawn...

It's a bright, sunny day. Cold, but sunny. I am not usually a fan of this kind of day. For some reason, bright sun brings on headaches for me. But not today.

There is just a hint of spring in the cold, cold air. The sounds of birds singing again, the daffodil buds barely peeking through the dirt, the squirrels playing their games of tag again in the yard. Just enough spring to lift my heart.

I spent the weekend sobbing, singing the "Poor me, poor me" song. But I'm over it. I still don't think I'm strong enough to visit my favorite eastside haunts yet--I know I'll get weepy without my constant companion. But today's dawn brings a hopeful promise of good things to come, and I'm gonna go with it. I have so much. I am so lucky. And grateful.

Marching On

Forgive the title pun--yes, it's already March, and I've been absent for awhile. 
Life has offered a variety of positive and negative experiences in the past 2 months, and I'm grateful for all of them. No matter how much I whine, I know I'm still one lucky chick. I still get to wake up every day. I still get to laugh and cry every day. I still get to feel overwhelmed and satisfied. I am still here. I am lucky.

Thanks for the thoughts, hugs, messages, smiles you've sent my way. I'm lucky to know you. I am marching forward, held up by supportive friends, loving family, and the knowledge that I am one lucky chick.  

'Tis the Season

nostalgia       
scents
laughter
warmth
flavors
hugs
blankets
tears
contentment
love

always, love
 

GREAT

Great. I missed a second post in September. Great. I missed an early post in October. Great.
While I'm working hard to retrain myself, to foster and maintain better habits, I still mess things up regularly. I am definitely a work in progress.

In late September, I was assigned the task of listing things I am GREAT at. *Brief interjection: If you are bothered by dangling participles and poor grammar, read no further. This post is rife with both. You have been warned.* Have you ever tried to do this? It's humbling, and kinda depressing. Because it was very easy to list things I am GOOD at. I am self-aware enough and confident enough to say, "Yes, I'm a good cook," or "Yes, I'm a Trivial Pursuit player." 

So I took it to the next level. Things I am BETTER-THAN-AVERAGE at. Hmmm. Okay, I play piano better than the average person. I have better-than-average classroom management skills. I am blushing as I write this next one, but...I think I'm better-than-the-average mom. I can only say that because my girls are grown women who haven't become serial killers or Republicans (yet). 

Now on to the GREAT list. *pause* Ok.*crickets chirping* Yeah. This is tough. On the surface, it seems easy. I'm a great friend. I'm a great daughter. But, no, those statements aren't true. I think (ok, I KNOW) I'm a good friend. A really good friend. But GREAT? No. Because I still won't go see every show that my friends are in. Because I still won't call friends on a regular basis, just to chat.  A great daughter? Nnnnnnoooooooo. I call my dad frequently, but many times it's due to guilt, not due to an overwhelming desire to talk to him. I still complain almost daily about having to put up with his racist rants, but I don't have the guts to confront him about them. I still harbor loads of resentment and anger toward him for events that occurred DECADES ago. Do I love him? Yes, without question. Am I a GREAT daughter? Not a chance.

My list of GREATNESS comes from a negative place. I am a GREAT complainer. I am a GREAT passive/aggressive manipulator. I am a GREAT nag. See what I mean? The reason I was asked to create my list of greatness was to bolster my often-flagging self esteem. Oops. Sort of backfired on me. But, you know what? That's okay. I appreciate the fact that I made these discoveries. Or rather, that this task caused me to FACE these characteristics. Of course I've always known they were there. But looking this closely at my NON-greatness will help me grow, too. So, maybe that's my starting point. I'm GREAT at listing my flaws. And I'm GREAT-ful (see what I did there?) for the task of looking deeper.

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I Know What I Did Last Summer

This breeze is so refreshing. It's the first fall-like day. That always gives me a boost. I'm a fall fan. I'm a cool-to-cold weather fan. I'm a windows open, put on a sweatshirt fan. Today's a good day.

The end of this summer was not filled with good days. I went through what I call a breakdown, but what my new therapist prefers to call a road bump. Tomato, tomahto--it was not fun. Now, I had no disasters, no terrible disease, no deaths of loved ones. Nothing that others would consider "a good reason" for my sudden inability to deal with daily life. Part of the learning curve of this experience is realizing that it's okay to feel as if my world is ending and to stop worrying that others think I'm just weak. My feelings have validity, and that makes them important.

Whew, that's a tough thing for me to say. I'm grateful that today I can say it. My feelings are valid, and they are important. It doesn't matter if they aren't important to others--they're important to me, at this moment in my life. I can work with that. I can look forward from that. Today is a good day.

 

Nerd Alert

	Nerd (from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nerd)
	A person who gains pleasure from amassing large quantities of knowledge about subjects often too detailed or complicated for most other people to be bothered with. Often mistaken for Geeks, who aspire to become nerds, yet lack the intelligence, and end up giving nerds a bad name due to their poor social skills.

How weird is it that one of my favorite things to do over a summer break is read books and articles about my profession? Total nerd. 
I spend most of my summer time reading--this summer I've already finished 12 books, mostly memoir, mostly light. During the school year, I don't have/take the time to read much, except before bed, so blasting through so many books by midsummer is gratifying. 

But now that it's mid-July, some of my interest has turned to professional journals, research, and philosophy. And it happens every summer at this time. What's up with that??? I've been doing this "job" for over 30 years; I kind of know what I'm doing. But still, I am fascinated by new approaches, new ideas, new methodology. 
It's not a job to me, it's not my livelihood; it's my life.

Based on the Urban Dictionary definition at the top of this post, I am a nerd. And I'm grateful for it. I think it makes me a better teacher, a better musician, a better person.


Source

ABUNDANCE

Where did June go? It was just here a second ago...I'd like to say I enjoyed every moment of the first month of summer vacation, but I don't know where the time went! Technically, I guess I've only been on vacation for 2 weeks, as I spent the first two weeks post-school taking classes with my colleagues. So it feels like my summer has just begun.
I need to once again take time to appreciate the abundance in my life. Abundant freedom--I can wake up and decide what I want to do with my day. Abundant food--I can cook anything I want, because I'm blessed with the resources to do so. Abundant comfort--I have air-conditioning, I have a pool, I have a crazy cat. 
This weekend, however, I'm most thankful for abundant love. I got to spend the time cooking, laughing, talking, walking, shopping, swimming with my three favorite people--my girls. The analogy I've been making in my head to describe this abundance is that spending time with my girls is like filling a water balloon--every single moment adds another drop to the balloon, until it's(I'm) so full, it bursts. But the fun doesn't end with the burst---it just creates MORE fun, more laughter. I hope we get to burst balloons for the rest of the summer and beyond.

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Pie, Pie, Me-Oh-My!

Humble pie, that is.  I've been whining all week, and now I'm  putting an end to it.

• I feel crumby, because I've had a migraine all week. But I don't have cancer, I'm not dying--I'm lucky.

• Work didn't go the way I wanted this week. But my kiddos are learning, I know I'm good at what I do, and I love my job--I'm lucky.

• The weather is WAY hotter and stickier than I like. But I have a pool, I have a home, and I'm alive--I'm lucky.

• My pool is a dirty, mucky mess. But I'm strong enough to buckle down and clean it, and when it's clean, it's heavenly--I'm lucky.

• My house is a dirty, mucky mess. But it's a home, and my girls will be here soon, and I'll get around to cleaning eventually--I'm lucky.

Serve me up another slice of pie. This time, make it cherry.

Mile 57

I'm not a runner. But if I was, I think I'd like to be a long distance marathoner. I like the idea of being fast, so short sprints sound appealing, but overall, I think the satisfaction of sticking with something for the long haul sounds like my cup of tea. 

What I'm hoping is to be here for the long haul. I'm of the age where some of my friends are checking out. Not in large numbers, but enough to notice a trend. It's cliche, I know, but it makes you take a look at what's important. And, to me, for now, what's important is the road ahead. I want it to be long and varied. I want it to be picturesque. I want it to be filled with emotion, strong emotion. I want it to be surprising. I want to share it with my girls. I want to share it with my friends. 

I want it to be long. Of course, I'm also picky. I want to be in good health--strong, independent--so that I can enjoy every minute of the marathon. I don't ever want to be a burden. I don't want to make someone else sacrifice just so I can continue the race. 

I just want to be here for a long while. I'd like to maybe stick around for as many years as I've already been here. Maybe during those years, I'll figure out how to fix the things I've wrecked, and how to use the time I have to the fullest, to make the world better. 
While looking ahead to the road stretching out in front of me, I want to be mindful of every footfall. I want to feel every pebble under my running shoe, every jolt of my arthritic joints, every sharp pang of air moving in and out of my lungs. 

I hope it's not too much to ask. I'm at the starting line, ready to take that first step. 
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Techtastic

I like to think of myself as a tech master. 
Right now, liquid is shooting out of my daughters' noses. They think the combination of technology and me is hiLARious. And to most people younger than 45, it probably is. But the truth is, for my age, I'm pretty much a tech savant. Yup. 
And that's what I'm grateful for this week. It's hard for me to imagine my daily life without my computer. And my Nook. My phone, not so much, though I will concede that it's kind of a fun toy when I have absolutely nothing to do. But I was late to the cell phone game, and I still don't like the idea that people (other than my girls) can reach me anywhere, anytime. 
I use my computer in my classroom every day, all year long. It's a tool, a means to an end, the end being that this stuff ain't goin' away, so these kiddos need to use it and make friends with it. Of course, the technology they use today will be long outdated by the time they're adults (heck, by the time they're teenagers!), but it's not about the TOOL. It's about learning how to LEARN, experimenting, jumping in without fear. And I believe that seeing me--the fat old lady in front of the room--using tech tools without fear is a terrific example for them.

I think of my dad. He struggles to catch up, let alone keep afloat in the ever-changing world of technology. He cannot find employment because he cannot use a computer. Simply cannot. For years, his secretary did everything for him. Now, after a few years without her, he finds he can't even fill out a job application, because they're all online. He has 50 years of work experience, but he's useless in the eyes of would-be employers, because he can't use a computer. (Yes, I know; thank you to all of you who suggest that he take free classes for Seniors, etc.---let's just say, it hasn't worked out, and leave it at that ;)  ).
So, I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had, and I'm proud of myself for pushing out of my comfort zone and into the world of technology. I embrace it. I enjoy playing with it. It's satisfying to solve a tech issue for others. 

And it's so easy to use my phone to 
text my daughters for tech help.

"Had a cat, and the cat pleased me..."

Do you know that song? "...I fed that cat by yonder tree. Cat goes fiddle-eye-fee." Today I just want to sing the praises of my kitty. He's huge, floppy, furry, dopey, crazy, noisy, silly, and he loves me. 

This week, by whatever sixth sense kitties possess, he has been doing two things my children used to do when they were young. About an hour before I have to wake up (cats tell time, did you know that?), he either climbs into "my nest"--the area created when I lie on my side with my knees bent--OR, he walks along the side of my body, stretches himself out to his full length, and then sleeps that way until it's time for us to get out of bed.

When I would reach the point of exhaustion as a young mother, I would stretch out on the couch next to where my girls were playing, and one of them would invariably climb into my nest, or stretch along my body. This comforted me in a deep-down-in-my-soul way. The fact that George has begun doing this during this particularly trying week has been a real gift. 

So thank you, Georgie-Porgie. "The cat pleased me."

Winning?

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I think I've ended my streak of death and destruction. When it comes to growing things, I have a lllooonnnggg history of taking innocent lives. I am the person who killed the indestructible jade plant in college. I'm the person who grew an unhealthy-looking stick out of an avocado seed. Spider plant cuttings have never taken root under my watch, though actual spiders seem to thrive in my house. And last year, my lone green pepper grew large, with a walnut-sized hole through its center, until the local squirrel made it into his lunch.

But maybe, just maybe, those days are over. I have a blooming--nay, FLOURISHING!--garden!! It's small, yes, but it's STILL ALIVE.  Even though I didn't plant until mid-June, even though I used two-year-old seeds, EVEN THOUGH we're in the midst of the worst heat wave since 1988, MY GARDEN IS GROWING! (Guess I'm in a caps kind of mood this morning). If this continues, I will have 4 kinds of sweet peppers, 4 kinds of summer squash, and lots of herbs to freeze, come fall. This is incredible. Unbelievable. Unprecedented.  I can't wait to eat the fruits of my labor.

Oops, I did it again

Missed last week's self-imposed blog deadline. Apologies. But I forgive myself.
Today, I'm going to thank my colleagues. For always being there. I am not an open person. At least, not in my work life. It takes a lot for me to open up to "work people" about what I do in my real life, away from work. 
Not quite sure where this comes from, but I think it has to do with general paranoia. I live in a town small enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I either taught, or currently teach. I've been here long enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I taught or teach. And as a teacher, I'm supposed to be an upright citizen. Which I guess I am, mostly.
But I have things I enjoy which might not be considered "upright." At least not by today's right-leaning standards. And at my ripe old age, I've learned that these right-leaning folks can be very vocal (if misinformed). And right now, I need this job. So I don't talk much about my real life to my work friends.


But I also know that I'm missing out on some things because of this. I work with some really WONDERFUL people. Generous. Caring. And each time I'm in need, they reach out and fill the need. Without judgement. Now, my paranoid self thinks, "Probably WITH judgement, but they're kind enough to keep it to themselves." But it doesn't really matter. They are there for me, and I am so grateful. It makes me wonder, if I were only more open about my real life, I might find that they would STILL accept me, accept my left-leaning ways, accept that I'm not as upright as I appear. And they'd still be there.
But I'm not ready to let go of my paranoia. So I keep the wall up. They're still there. They make me feel so good. And I am so grateful for that. Thank you, friends. 

My Little Town

Never, NEVER did I ever think I would live in a small town.  I grew up in a big city, lived in the suburbs, drove through serious rush hours, waited hours for a table at up-and-coming restaurants. I'm a CITY GIRL.
But not any more. I live in a small bedroom community, on the outskirts of a mid-size city, and I LOVE it. My girls were raised in a one-high-school town. Though this can be a real downside to small town life, I loved that we pretty much knew everyone in the school. It made it easier to know who my girls were hanging out with, easier to get to know the families, and it was wonderful to watch all of our young people grow up together.
The city we're near offers enough music, art, and theater to keep us satisfied, and when the girls were young we had lots of options for day trips and free entertainment. 
Nowadays, I have to admit, I use the bigger city for my shopping, entertainment, and social needs. The town I actually live in has begun to feel claustrophobic--I teach in this town, and have for over 20 years--so sometimes it's weird to be waited on or served by former students. I don't really enjoy having my students' parents perusing my shopping cart to see what I'm buying, and I definitely don't want to listen to local taxpayers complain about how teachers are paid too much while I'm getting my hair cut, or trying to relax at the local coffee shop. So I retreat to the city, where I can disappear. 
I'm grateful for my house, and my immediate surroundings. I still love working in a smaller school district--the people I work with are fantastic. I'm grateful for my big-city upbringing, and for my nightly retreat to small town America. But you can't entirely take the city girl out of me. 

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Movies

It seems trivial to be thankful for something as mundane as movies, but when I think about how influential movies have been in my life, I have to pause and be grateful.
I have some early memories of going downtown with my mother and brothers to see "blockbusters," like 633 Squadron and Von Ryan's Express. I find it odd to remember going to see these war movies with my MOTHER and not my dad--but I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that my dad was always picking up odd carpentry jobs on weekends, so he wasn't very available.
Growing up, we had a couple movie theaters in our suburb, and we could ride our bikes to at least two of them. I remember feeling so safe, ensconced in the darkness of the theater, surrounded by the story of someone else's life.
We all know the movie-theater experience of today is drastically different. We're bombarded by commercials, surrounded by audience members who don't know HOW to watch a movie politely, and in silence. I still go to the movies, but, like the rest of the country, I tend to watch movies more at home, where I can control the atmosphere. I like to turn off the lights and pretend I'm in my own little theater. Though I do enjoy seeing some current films (The King's Speech is the best movie I've seen in YEARS!), when I'm looking for comfort, I tend to break out the classics. This weekend, TMC was running several of my favorites. Saturday night I curled up with Little Big Man, and today was my all-time favorite romance, Dr. Zhivago.
I'm grateful for movie music, for memorable acting moments, but mostly, I'm grateful for the pure rush of emotion that engulfs me when I'm part of a fabulous movie.

Thank you

New Year's Eve. Another chance to say thank you. Thank you for my girls. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for my job. Thank you for a warm house, more than enough food and clothing, an embarrassment of riches.

Thank you for the crisp air. Thank you for the sounds of nature. Thank you for my problems, thank you for my joys.

Happy New Year, everyone.

It's been a long, been a long time

I realize I'm only using this blog to remind myself to be grateful daily, but I apologize for being absent for the entire month of November!! I thought a lot about blogging, but I didn't actually DO it. Bad girl!

Thanksgiving Day has come and gone, but I continue to be thankful every minute of every day. The sounds of my girls laughing after the big dinner stays in my head, making me so grateful for my beautiful family. The sheer abundance of food we have is both embarrassing and humbling. The warmth of the house, the new windows, the wood stoves--I'm lucky to have them all, and I'm grateful.

It didn't snow for my birthday--which is my selfish birthday wish every year-- but I got to spend a good chunk of the day walking through the beautiful grounds where our upcoming family wedding will take place, watching the excitement on the faces of my daughter and her fiancee', and seeing the bond between two sisters grow as we excitedly talked through some plans.

This week, I listened proudly as my youngest daughter described her new job, and as she marveled at her own responsibility, I marveled with her, and was grateful.

I'm alive, I'm healthy, my girls are independent, smart, creative women. I love my life, I love my family and friends. I'm so lucky, so grateful.

Darkest Just Before Dawn

Do you ever sit outside before the sun comes up? You know, between, say, 4 am and 6:30 am? Well, where I live, this is prime time. Especially at this time of year--autumn. The world is peaceful. Not quiet, not still, certainly. But alive and at peace. This morning, the sky was clear, allowing me to see layers and layers of stars, accompanied by the quarter moon. Slowly, as an hour passed, the moon stayed bright, but the stars faded from view. The sky went from a solid shade of DARK to varying layers of gray, steel blue, and, eventually pink. The sounds of the world waking up got livelier, the feel of peace started to fade. But each phase of this process brings its own beauty.

And I'm grateful I'm here to enjoy it.