Fingers crossed

2012. I'm so lucky. I had loads of time with my girls, loads of good food, loads of junk food, loads of cat snuggles, loads of good experiences with my students. 
I'm so lucky.
2013. I'm hopeful. I'm anxious. I'm grateful already for whatever comes. 
January holds a rather large mountain to climb, but I'll be positive enough, strong enough, and resilient enough for all of us. We'll climb together. We love each other. That's what will help us get to the other side, where we'll slide down, screaming, crying, and laughing all the way.

I'm so lucky. We've got each other.

photo credit

'Tis the Season

nostalgia       
scents
laughter
warmth
flavors
hugs
blankets
tears
contentment
love

always, love
 

GREAT

Great. I missed a second post in September. Great. I missed an early post in October. Great.
While I'm working hard to retrain myself, to foster and maintain better habits, I still mess things up regularly. I am definitely a work in progress.

In late September, I was assigned the task of listing things I am GREAT at. *Brief interjection: If you are bothered by dangling participles and poor grammar, read no further. This post is rife with both. You have been warned.* Have you ever tried to do this? It's humbling, and kinda depressing. Because it was very easy to list things I am GOOD at. I am self-aware enough and confident enough to say, "Yes, I'm a good cook," or "Yes, I'm a Trivial Pursuit player." 

So I took it to the next level. Things I am BETTER-THAN-AVERAGE at. Hmmm. Okay, I play piano better than the average person. I have better-than-average classroom management skills. I am blushing as I write this next one, but...I think I'm better-than-the-average mom. I can only say that because my girls are grown women who haven't become serial killers or Republicans (yet). 

Now on to the GREAT list. *pause* Ok.*crickets chirping* Yeah. This is tough. On the surface, it seems easy. I'm a great friend. I'm a great daughter. But, no, those statements aren't true. I think (ok, I KNOW) I'm a good friend. A really good friend. But GREAT? No. Because I still won't go see every show that my friends are in. Because I still won't call friends on a regular basis, just to chat.  A great daughter? Nnnnnnoooooooo. I call my dad frequently, but many times it's due to guilt, not due to an overwhelming desire to talk to him. I still complain almost daily about having to put up with his racist rants, but I don't have the guts to confront him about them. I still harbor loads of resentment and anger toward him for events that occurred DECADES ago. Do I love him? Yes, without question. Am I a GREAT daughter? Not a chance.

My list of GREATNESS comes from a negative place. I am a GREAT complainer. I am a GREAT passive/aggressive manipulator. I am a GREAT nag. See what I mean? The reason I was asked to create my list of greatness was to bolster my often-flagging self esteem. Oops. Sort of backfired on me. But, you know what? That's okay. I appreciate the fact that I made these discoveries. Or rather, that this task caused me to FACE these characteristics. Of course I've always known they were there. But looking this closely at my NON-greatness will help me grow, too. So, maybe that's my starting point. I'm GREAT at listing my flaws. And I'm GREAT-ful (see what I did there?) for the task of looking deeper.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhs8Q33QXx9c09FCYQEJoLW3C-VTVv5TuxmHuAcZBxcgJjUSTIq2Y0jG6VsMtV957w8JBBwuzcMVATZGRgJmypyG40BOH5vMlOsaEwkqx-tBVPjT4iyXiRCIjQhU_zJuKAfwPAc6U-4gg/s1600/totally-great.jpg

ABUNDANCE

Where did June go? It was just here a second ago...I'd like to say I enjoyed every moment of the first month of summer vacation, but I don't know where the time went! Technically, I guess I've only been on vacation for 2 weeks, as I spent the first two weeks post-school taking classes with my colleagues. So it feels like my summer has just begun.
I need to once again take time to appreciate the abundance in my life. Abundant freedom--I can wake up and decide what I want to do with my day. Abundant food--I can cook anything I want, because I'm blessed with the resources to do so. Abundant comfort--I have air-conditioning, I have a pool, I have a crazy cat. 
This weekend, however, I'm most thankful for abundant love. I got to spend the time cooking, laughing, talking, walking, shopping, swimming with my three favorite people--my girls. The analogy I've been making in my head to describe this abundance is that spending time with my girls is like filling a water balloon--every single moment adds another drop to the balloon, until it's(I'm) so full, it bursts. But the fun doesn't end with the burst---it just creates MORE fun, more laughter. I hope we get to burst balloons for the rest of the summer and beyond.

http://syllybillywaterballoons.com/index/wp-content/gallery/gallery1/waterballoons-1.jpg

Mile 57

I'm not a runner. But if I was, I think I'd like to be a long distance marathoner. I like the idea of being fast, so short sprints sound appealing, but overall, I think the satisfaction of sticking with something for the long haul sounds like my cup of tea. 

What I'm hoping is to be here for the long haul. I'm of the age where some of my friends are checking out. Not in large numbers, but enough to notice a trend. It's cliche, I know, but it makes you take a look at what's important. And, to me, for now, what's important is the road ahead. I want it to be long and varied. I want it to be picturesque. I want it to be filled with emotion, strong emotion. I want it to be surprising. I want to share it with my girls. I want to share it with my friends. 

I want it to be long. Of course, I'm also picky. I want to be in good health--strong, independent--so that I can enjoy every minute of the marathon. I don't ever want to be a burden. I don't want to make someone else sacrifice just so I can continue the race. 

I just want to be here for a long while. I'd like to maybe stick around for as many years as I've already been here. Maybe during those years, I'll figure out how to fix the things I've wrecked, and how to use the time I have to the fullest, to make the world better. 
While looking ahead to the road stretching out in front of me, I want to be mindful of every footfall. I want to feel every pebble under my running shoe, every jolt of my arthritic joints, every sharp pang of air moving in and out of my lungs. 

I hope it's not too much to ask. I'm at the starting line, ready to take that first step. 
http://pcmlifestyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/runningshoes.jpg

Techtastic

I like to think of myself as a tech master. 
Right now, liquid is shooting out of my daughters' noses. They think the combination of technology and me is hiLARious. And to most people younger than 45, it probably is. But the truth is, for my age, I'm pretty much a tech savant. Yup. 
And that's what I'm grateful for this week. It's hard for me to imagine my daily life without my computer. And my Nook. My phone, not so much, though I will concede that it's kind of a fun toy when I have absolutely nothing to do. But I was late to the cell phone game, and I still don't like the idea that people (other than my girls) can reach me anywhere, anytime. 
I use my computer in my classroom every day, all year long. It's a tool, a means to an end, the end being that this stuff ain't goin' away, so these kiddos need to use it and make friends with it. Of course, the technology they use today will be long outdated by the time they're adults (heck, by the time they're teenagers!), but it's not about the TOOL. It's about learning how to LEARN, experimenting, jumping in without fear. And I believe that seeing me--the fat old lady in front of the room--using tech tools without fear is a terrific example for them.

I think of my dad. He struggles to catch up, let alone keep afloat in the ever-changing world of technology. He cannot find employment because he cannot use a computer. Simply cannot. For years, his secretary did everything for him. Now, after a few years without her, he finds he can't even fill out a job application, because they're all online. He has 50 years of work experience, but he's useless in the eyes of would-be employers, because he can't use a computer. (Yes, I know; thank you to all of you who suggest that he take free classes for Seniors, etc.---let's just say, it hasn't worked out, and leave it at that ;)  ).
So, I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had, and I'm proud of myself for pushing out of my comfort zone and into the world of technology. I embrace it. I enjoy playing with it. It's satisfying to solve a tech issue for others. 

And it's so easy to use my phone to 
text my daughters for tech help.

Mama Said

Everyone has bad days, bad weeks. Some even have bad years. How do you handle it? 
My mom has been gone a long time now, and yet I want to talk to her almost every day. Nothing in my life is terrible--not even remotely bad. As I've stated repeatedly, I am One Lucky Chick. But I'd still like to talk to my mom. And I'd like to hear about HER day. I'm pretty sure that, though I was an adult when she died, I was so immature that I rarely asked her how SHE was doing, or how HER day went. I was always concerned about me, me, me. I would whine to her about all my earth-shattering problems, and she'd listen and offer advice. 
Actually, now that I really think about, she DIDN'T so much offer advice as give me a kick in the pants! My mom was a take-no-prisoners sort of woman; a "stop whimpering and buck up" girl. Boy, do I admire that now! At the time, I remember thinking, "She's so mean; she's not pampering me and treating me like the princess that I am." Yeah, I was a self-centered brat. I regret never having said, "How are YOU doin', Mom?" I know that if she did share how her day was going, I probably just LOOKED like I was listening, when, in fact, I was most likely thinking about where my boyfriend was and what we'd be up to as soon as I got out of the house.
Nowadays, I tell her how my family is doing. I make jokes with her, I laugh with her. I carry her around in my heart and I can hear her voice saying, "Oh, you bird!" (her favorite catchphrase). And nowadays, I DO ask her, "How's it goin', Mom? What have you been up to?" I'd love to hear what she has to say. I hope she's comfortable, pain-free, and happy. And I hope she knows how fabulous her grandchildren are. And I thank her over and over and over for everything.

Talk about lucky!

Again, I'm reminded of how lucky I am. Got to spend the day with daughter #3 looking at new apartments. Such a grown up. So mature. So amazing. Working hard at what she loves. I want to hold on, but I'm happy to see her doing so well.

Tomorrow I get to look at a space for daughter #1's wedding. How cool is that? It looks beautiful on the website, and I think it's going to be perfect. Again, a lucky day.

Dinner tonight made from ALL fresh, local ingredients--some from the Farmers' Market, some from my CSA box, some from a local bakery. Delicious, easy, filling--I am so lucky to have such abundance.

The air is cooler, the sun is setting--I know how lucky I am.

Better now

Okay, I'm over my whining. Reasons to be grateful today:

--the sun is out, but it's not BLASTING hot.

--the sky is perfectly clear--good day to read in the sun.

--pool is waiting when I'm done doing chores.

--all 3 of my terrific girls have spoken to me, willingly, in the past 24 hours.

--good movies on tv later.

--as usual, I have more than enough of everything in my life. Grateful, grateful, grateful.