Fingers crossed

2012. I'm so lucky. I had loads of time with my girls, loads of good food, loads of junk food, loads of cat snuggles, loads of good experiences with my students. 
I'm so lucky.
2013. I'm hopeful. I'm anxious. I'm grateful already for whatever comes. 
January holds a rather large mountain to climb, but I'll be positive enough, strong enough, and resilient enough for all of us. We'll climb together. We love each other. That's what will help us get to the other side, where we'll slide down, screaming, crying, and laughing all the way.

I'm so lucky. We've got each other.

photo credit

It's Okay

I'm trying so hard to breathe. Since the end of November, I've noticed that I have to concentrate specifically on taking in a full breath. 
It's tricky, this whole "tension" thing. You go about your daily routine, seemingly unscathed by circumstances out of your control. But then you notice that you're not fully breathing, not fully focusing, not fully participating.
I've got to do a better job of staying alert for the creeping signs of tension. I've got to let go of what I'm holding inside. If I crumble for a little while, the world will go on spinning. My issues won't go away, but they also won't eat me alive as long as I breathe. In. Out. Repeat.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

'Tis the season. The season of waiting. The season of anticipation. Every day feels like an intake of breath. 
When does the release happen? Is it when the shopping is done? When the gifts are wrapped and tree decorated? When family gathers to celebrate? Or does it happen the day after, vacuuming the wrapping paper shreds, washing the dirtied dishes, putting the furniture back in place? 
I am a person who feels the post-holiday crash pretty deeply. In the evenings between Christmas day and New Year's Eve, I lean toward wallowing in sappy movies, sappy music, sitting in darkness lit only by tree lights. I take my year apart mentally, analyzing every misstep, listing the changes I will make to move forward. It's not so much a release as a letdown. It's as if there's nothing to look forward to, only things to regret. And that's bullshit. 
I'm learning (ssss--lll--ooo--www--lll--yyy) to keep myself in anticipation. Because there's ALWAYS something coming. I don't mean in the "Oh-I've-got-a-thousand-things-to-get-done!" way. I mean in the "What's-around-this-corner?" way. I'm learning to look forward with curiosity, with eagerness, with openness, instead of with dread, with anxiety, with a feeling of impending doom. 
I am not good with change. I worry. I fret. I dread. I know I won't completely be free of those weights, but I'm determined to look ahead with excitement. I am not patient, but I'm determined to find the joy in the waiting. 
I will inhale and open my eyes.

 


Clip art: http://www.stpaulschestnuthill.org/wp-content/uploads/Advent-Wreath-011.jpg

'Tis the Season

nostalgia       
scents
laughter
warmth
flavors
hugs
blankets
tears
contentment
love

always, love
 

GREAT

Great. I missed a second post in September. Great. I missed an early post in October. Great.
While I'm working hard to retrain myself, to foster and maintain better habits, I still mess things up regularly. I am definitely a work in progress.

In late September, I was assigned the task of listing things I am GREAT at. *Brief interjection: If you are bothered by dangling participles and poor grammar, read no further. This post is rife with both. You have been warned.* Have you ever tried to do this? It's humbling, and kinda depressing. Because it was very easy to list things I am GOOD at. I am self-aware enough and confident enough to say, "Yes, I'm a good cook," or "Yes, I'm a Trivial Pursuit player." 

So I took it to the next level. Things I am BETTER-THAN-AVERAGE at. Hmmm. Okay, I play piano better than the average person. I have better-than-average classroom management skills. I am blushing as I write this next one, but...I think I'm better-than-the-average mom. I can only say that because my girls are grown women who haven't become serial killers or Republicans (yet). 

Now on to the GREAT list. *pause* Ok.*crickets chirping* Yeah. This is tough. On the surface, it seems easy. I'm a great friend. I'm a great daughter. But, no, those statements aren't true. I think (ok, I KNOW) I'm a good friend. A really good friend. But GREAT? No. Because I still won't go see every show that my friends are in. Because I still won't call friends on a regular basis, just to chat.  A great daughter? Nnnnnnoooooooo. I call my dad frequently, but many times it's due to guilt, not due to an overwhelming desire to talk to him. I still complain almost daily about having to put up with his racist rants, but I don't have the guts to confront him about them. I still harbor loads of resentment and anger toward him for events that occurred DECADES ago. Do I love him? Yes, without question. Am I a GREAT daughter? Not a chance.

My list of GREATNESS comes from a negative place. I am a GREAT complainer. I am a GREAT passive/aggressive manipulator. I am a GREAT nag. See what I mean? The reason I was asked to create my list of greatness was to bolster my often-flagging self esteem. Oops. Sort of backfired on me. But, you know what? That's okay. I appreciate the fact that I made these discoveries. Or rather, that this task caused me to FACE these characteristics. Of course I've always known they were there. But looking this closely at my NON-greatness will help me grow, too. So, maybe that's my starting point. I'm GREAT at listing my flaws. And I'm GREAT-ful (see what I did there?) for the task of looking deeper.

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I Know What I Did Last Summer

This breeze is so refreshing. It's the first fall-like day. That always gives me a boost. I'm a fall fan. I'm a cool-to-cold weather fan. I'm a windows open, put on a sweatshirt fan. Today's a good day.

The end of this summer was not filled with good days. I went through what I call a breakdown, but what my new therapist prefers to call a road bump. Tomato, tomahto--it was not fun. Now, I had no disasters, no terrible disease, no deaths of loved ones. Nothing that others would consider "a good reason" for my sudden inability to deal with daily life. Part of the learning curve of this experience is realizing that it's okay to feel as if my world is ending and to stop worrying that others think I'm just weak. My feelings have validity, and that makes them important.

Whew, that's a tough thing for me to say. I'm grateful that today I can say it. My feelings are valid, and they are important. It doesn't matter if they aren't important to others--they're important to me, at this moment in my life. I can work with that. I can look forward from that. Today is a good day.

 

Totally Geeky Music Educator Post

This might not interest you, but I need to share this publicly or I won't hold myself to it. 

I'm always so excited by/inspired by what I see and hear at our October Music Convention, but it frustrates me a little that it occurs after the school year has begun, when I am short on time and energy.  Today, I found inspiration in an article in this month's Teaching Music magazine (membership required), and I made a vow to start the year with a (probably) exhausting but definitely exciting plan. The article was the extra push I needed to go where I've wanted to go, but been too afraid of failing (and, honestly, too darn tired) to fully commit.

I've always done some sort of interest groupings with my kiddos--we all know that it's a tenet of best practice and I've seen terrific growth in the students' learning with these groups. This year, however, I'm going to break it down even further and move closer to the individualized learning plan(ILP). Now this is nothing new; districts have been talking about this for years. But, except for occasional special projects for students who specifically asked for more, I have leaned on small group work to save myself the extra planning, extra setup, extra, extra, extra everything this will most likely entail. To put it bluntly, I've been selfish, and it's just not giving my students the best I have to offer.

SO...I have resigned from almost all committees for the year, decided NOT to look at theatre auditions for this season (with one already-auditioned-for exception ;)  ), and am going to start our first days of school by basically talk, talk, talking with my kiddos. The subject of the article was about creating a culturally diverse classroom. Here are parts of  the article that got me started this morning: "If we're trying to provide equitable education, then we have to respond to the goal of music for all, and to redefine the paradigm...For starters, avoid limiting music literature studied...There's music production, music creation, African drumming ensembles, klezmer music ensembles...And we can try to make students better consumers of music." (Adria Hoffman)*. 

There are so many musical opportunities to explore, and I'm lucky to have another chance to join my student adventurers in their quests.

*"Around the World in Six Class Periods," K. Powers, Teaching Music, Aug., 2012
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