Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Grateful for the Grief

I'm so selfish. I can't believe that in the midst of good news, I am so sad. Parenting is filled with these dichotomies. No one tells you that. But even if someone had told me, and I had actually listened, until you live it, you can't understand it. And I certainly wouldn't change the track of my life, even if I knew that I'd have less grief if I'd never had my girls.
This is an exciting time for her. This is the beginning of the next part of her life. This is SUCH an amazing opportunity. Yet I sit here and sob. It doesn't mean I'm not thrilled for her, that I'm not excited for her, that I'm not so, so very proud of her. But I'm selfishly sad for me. For us. Because, despite a rock-solid foundation, things will change. Dramatically. And if you've followed this blog at all, you know that I'm not good with change. I retreat. I obsess. I grieve. 
So that's where I'm at. I don't want things to be different, because I WANT this chapter to begin for her. But I want it to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling so lonely already. I want to be a grown-up about it. And right now, I can't. I'm too raw. I know we will all survive and thrive. I know this. But right now, I'm sad. I'm grateful, but I'm sad. 
And now, to lighten the mood, Alison, here is the song I was trying to remember for you:  

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