Sunday, December 18, 2011

Fa La La La Lovely

Happy Holidays to all! I'll admit, until it snowed Friday night, I was in total Grinch mode. I cannot bring myself to feel merry when it doesn't look and feel like a Currier and Ives photo outside. 
But it snowed just enough to look festive, and now I'm in high Christmas spirits. While it's easy to be overwhelmed by the never-ending to-do lists (can I get an "A-MEN?"), once again the prospect of a house filled with giggles, hugs, and loved ones will carry me through the exhaustion.
Christmas music will blast all day, the vacuum, steam cleaner (NEW! Is it wrong that I'm so excited about this?!?), washing machine, and dishwasher will be a-humming, and by tonight, one of the many lists will be tossed. And Wednesday night, the hugs, kisses, and laughs begin! I am SO blessed.
Ho, ho, ho, and to all, a good night!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Food, glorious food

Not gonna feel badly about it---I love food. I love buying it, I love growing it (even with my limited success rate), I love smelling it, I love cooking it, I love touching it, I love sharing it.
One of the true pleasures of my week is taking my time to peruse the produce aisle of my Co-op. Everything looks so lush and delicious; though I shop with a list, I frequently grab an item I hadn't planned on using, just because of its color. I love food photography---looking at it, not creating it---and I've recently discovered this book, which makes me salivate and tingle with joy.
I'm also lucky to live near a city which has the largest weekly farmers' market in the Midwest, and I can spend HOURS just strolling by the stands, touching, sampling, sniffing the delectable displays. Yesterday I wandered through a Market filled with the scent of fresh-cut pines wafting from Christmas wreaths, gentle Celtic fiddle tunes from some local musicians, and air filled with rich coffee and bakery smells--it was a heady, satisfying experience. 
I'm grateful for the abundance of food in my life (if not grateful for its abundance on my hips), and I'm grateful for the senses--smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing--that allow me to fully enjoy food.
http://philip01pd2012.wikispaces.com/file/view/istockphoto_7938700-five-senses-icons.jpeg/214347722/istockphoto_7938700-five-senses-icons.jpeg

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Close, but no cigar

Happy November! What happened to October's post, you ask? I created at least 9 ("NINE TIMES") posts in my head during October; it's just that none of them made it to the interwebs. Sorry you missed them. They were heartfelt, thought-provoking, and entertaining.



 Have you ever been thankful for your thumbs? Over the past weeks, I've become painfully aware of my thumbs. Particularly my left thumb. If you know me, then you know that my fingers and thumbs play--quite literally--a crucial part in my livelihood, my art, my passion.

I spent the early part of this school year recovering from a pool-related injury, which I incurred via a humiliating, slapstick series of events, kinda like this:

Because of this injury, I had to stop playing piano for quite a while. I'm better now, but my thumb continues to be a problem. It's not the end of the world, it's not earth-shattering. In the grand scheme of life, it's certainly unimportant on all scales. But it's a reminder that I need to be grateful for what I CAN do, while I can do it.
 Thank you, universe, for my gifts. 
  Here's to you.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

...but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

(Sidebar: I may as well face it: my average posting ability seems to be once per month. So if I make the mental commitment to post at that pace, I know I can stay on track. And any additional posts will be a bonus!  So that's what I'll do.)
When I open a magazine, or watch a home renovation show, I usually think, "Oh, THAT'S what I need to make my life better." Ads are designed to do that, and I am a highly susceptible viewer. But I'm also old enough to know better. Yes, I wish I had the time/energy/money to make my house look like a page in a magazine. And, yes, if I didn't suffer so much from residual exhaustion due to my poor nightly sleep, I would have probably spent my younger years making more of an effort to complete (who am I kidding--start) home improvements. But I didn't. And that's okay, because I really have all I need.
I'm not saying I'll stop "wanting." And I'm DEFINITELY not saying I'll stop doing what I can to make my physical surroundings nicer. But I really am satisfied in life because I have so much--the people I love are near and healthy. I can sit on my deck at all hours, in all weather, and enjoy my surroundings. I have a house that is not falling down, keeping me safe and warm. I love my job, though I often complain of exhaustion.
No great insights this month, just a heart full of gratitude.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Once more into the fray

Vacation over. School starts again. The lazy days of summer didn't feel like they were flying by, and yet, it is unbelievable to me that we're into September already.
I truly spoiled myself this summer. I was in the pool at least once a day, with the exception of, maybe, 7 days total. I actually scheduled in daily pool time. Felt so selfish at the time, but I'm so glad I did that. Just floated, read trash, read great stuff, read school stuff. Listened to the birds. Watched the butterflies. I must be sure to do that next summer as well.
I do seem to thrive on the busy-ness of the school day, though. I'm not sure what's gonna happen to my brain (and my time) when I finally retire (or they kick me out, whichever comes first). I love reading tips from other teachers, thinking up new ways to present material, playing with the ever-advancing technology. I need to stop worrying about the "what will happen whens" and concentrate on the NOW. 
Okay. I'll do that. Just as I enjoyed every minute of summer leisure, I'll treasure every moment of hectic school-day needs. 
Take a breath…let it out…and…GO! 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Vacation




The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.
Galileo Galilei 


It's August. AUGUST. I've been lounging through the summer and loving every minute of it. And now comes the time of, "Oh my gosh, I've only got 2 weeks left--I'd better take a vacation!"  It happens every summer. I relax, I read, I soak in the pool, and then, just before school starts again, I feel like I have to get away in order to have REALLY been on vacation.
So I'm going to Vermont. And while I'm looking forward to the "getting away," this will be a bittersweet trip. It's probably the last time I'll go there. I'm helping my daughter move back to the Midwest, and I know she'll be very sad to go. And I'll be very sad for her to leave behind the family she's developed while there. So it will be a teary drive home.
Along the way, I'm hoping to stop at a vineyard or two in the Finger Lakes region of New York. I'm late to this whole wine thing---my friends have been drinking wine for years, but I didn't get into it at all until this past winter. I don't think I have much of a palate, but I know what I like. So I'm excited to visit and purchase some wines from that area on our way home. I'm also looking forward to one more maple ice cream cone. And maybe a delicious local meal at one of the very fine inns near her town.
But mostly, I'm looking forward to our long drive and the conversations, tears, and laughs we'll have. I don't ever have to go anywhere special to enjoy time with my girls. This will be a perfect vacation this year.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Old Friends

There's something precious about spending time with people who share your past. People who were there for your "formative" years. People who remember you when, remember your family home, remember your first date, remember the games you played in the neighborhood.

I'm grateful for a recent visit from my oldest friend. Hadn't actually been together for 18 years, but from the minute our visit began, we were exactly the same as when we first met. We spent hours boring our daughters as we laughed, laughed, laughed our way through stories of events big and small from our teen years. We caught up on our current lives and relived our past through pictures. Some of it was sad--actually, kind of a lot of it--but necessary. We remembered little things that have taken on deeper meaning, now that others have passed on. But mostly, we laughed. She has an INCREDIBLE ability to recall names, dates, places. These tiny details flipped switches in my mind that haven't been turned on in DECADES.

It was a really cathartic visit. It was energizing, exhausting, and emotional. And for that I am so grateful. Thanks, my friend.http://youtu.be/BPTOY8FrvNw

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Winning?

http://www.cookerati.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/MiniPeppersMiniYellowSquash.jpg
                           
I think I've ended my streak of death and destruction. When it comes to growing things, I have a lllooonnnggg history of taking innocent lives. I am the person who killed the indestructible jade plant in college. I'm the person who grew an unhealthy-looking stick out of an avocado seed. Spider plant cuttings have never taken root under my watch, though actual spiders seem to thrive in my house. And last year, my lone green pepper grew large, with a walnut-sized hole through its center, until the local squirrel made it into his lunch.

But maybe, just maybe, those days are over. I have a blooming--nay, FLOURISHING!--garden!! It's small, yes, but it's STILL ALIVE.  Even though I didn't plant until mid-June, even though I used two-year-old seeds, EVEN THOUGH we're in the midst of the worst heat wave since 1988, MY GARDEN IS GROWING! (Guess I'm in a caps kind of mood this morning). If this continues, I will have 4 kinds of sweet peppers, 4 kinds of summer squash, and lots of herbs to freeze, come fall. This is incredible. Unbelievable. Unprecedented.  I can't wait to eat the fruits of my labor.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Family Connections

I'm excited to see my sister-in-law and my niece this week. It's been several years, though we've seen each other electronically.  I'm sad that my brother can't make the trip, but this will be great.

My niece will be attending college in Chicago in the fall, which means she'll live within driving distance.  My own daughter will also be living in Chicago. While we haven't ever lived physically near them, I marvel at the connection between my girls and my niece and nephew. When I was growing up, I saw all my cousins weekly. We all lived near each other, our parents vacationed together at the family cottage, we were each other's closest friends for most of our childhood. Things are really different for my girls. We've never lived near immediate family, and though they have several sets of cousins, once a year at Christmas is really the only time they see each other.

And yet, my girls feel so close to the two cousins who live the farthest away. I think that's cool. They share a connection that they discovered at a later age, and while they don't write or call or talk to each other at all, when they're all together, it's as if they've never been apart. I don't know what the connection is, but whatever it is, it works. And it's a joy to hear them all giggling together. I'm really looking forward to that sound again this week. And I know my brother and sister-in-law feel better knowing that my daughter will be in Chicago to look out for their daughter.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Red, White, and Blue

RED:  the color of my skin after many hours in the sun this weekend (yes, I use sunblock religiously, but the sun was mega-powerful here).

WHITE: the blank text box for this week's blog post. It glares at me when I have no ideas.

BLUE: the pool liner (considerably faded from years of chemicals), beckoning me to float my cares away for the rest of the summer.
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RED:  my cheeks after my morning Wii workout.

WHITE: the vanilla ice cream calling to me from the freezer.

BLUE:  the blueberries I mixed into my yogurt, in place of the ice cream I really wanted.
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RED: the watermelon that will be devoured by my beautiful daughters and son during tomorrow's festivities.

WHITE:  the color to which I hope my teeth return after a few weeks of Crest White Strips.

BLUE: my mood as I realize that July marks the halfway point of my summer vacation.
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Monday, June 27, 2011

Yes.

I need to say yes. I've been making a lot of promises lately,  almost all to myself, and I haven't been good about keeping them. I say yes initially, and then I find a reason to say no. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself, and all these "nos" are taking a toll.  Instead of enjoying my time off, taking in every moment of good weather (without the humidity that will KILL me later this summer), I'm more depressed than I have been in a year, and I'm certain it's because I'm afraid to say yes.

Intellectually, it's easy to see the cycle that keeps me down. I hole up, I don't visit with people, I cancel plans, I keep to myself.  Then I have so much time alone to dwell on how lonely and alone I am. I feel sadder and sorrier for myself. I get angry, say I'm going to push through and reach out to others. I chicken out and climb back into my hole.  So stupid, and so obvious.  I KNOW it's a fixable problem, and I know I'M the only one who can fix it. But depression makes you feel so tired, so lazy, everything seems so pointless. I KNOW this. Now I have to CHANGE this.

Like Bob, I'm going to take baby steps.  I won't say yes to everything--it's just not gonna happen, so I don't want to set myself up to fail yet again. But I WILL say yes to at least ONE THING I don't really want to do per week, for the remainder of the summer. Yes, I will. YES, I WILL.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Finding My Way

I am directionally challenged. It's a bit of a family joke, as I once went out for morning doughnuts and ended up in another state. Yeah, without the doughnuts. Nice drive, but not what I meant to do.


Sometimes I truly enjoy the twists and turns in the road that take me in a new direction. This morning, for example, I had a 10:00 a.m. appointment, but left the house at 7:30 thinking I'd run some errands first and finish just in time. I ended up with some time to kill, so I wound my way through some neighboring towns I'd never visited.  It was a lovely morning for a drive, and I found two nature areas that provided a few minutes of respite. So it was great. 


On the other side of the coin, though, are the twists and turns that make me uneasy. The kind where I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what to expect, and I don't really want to go into something new! I know those happen to everyone--the old chestnut, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." But you'd think by this age---OLD---I'd be better prepared to go with the flow, and take changes in stride. Nope, not me. I throw a hissy fit, I curl up in a ball, I lose sleep. WTF.


I intend to work on my ability to just go with it. I love learning, and I know that each unexpected twist is an opportunity, so I'm going to strive to look for the lesson.  I'm going to go back to my meditation/mantra breathing. I want to ease on down the road, not careen wildly, trying to get back on the "right" path. 


Okay, now where did I put my keys? 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mom, Momma, Mommy, Mama, Ma, M

Mother's Day today. Gorgeous weather, sitting out here on the deck as the sun rises. 
Here's what I think about this day. It's not the kids who should "honor" their mothers on Mother's Day--it should be the other way around. Because I can't think of ANYthing more worthy of my praise, my love, my gratitude than my children. 

Don't get me wrong; they're not perfect. Neither am I. We all learn to accept each others' foibles as we grow. I'll never stop worrying about every choice they make, I'll never stop wondering if they're happy, I'll never stop fretting that they'll make all of my mistakes and worse (though, it'll be hard to make worse choices than I do…right?)




But  I'll also never stop marveling at their creativity, laughing at their bizarre humor, and swelling with pride at their achievements. They are truly worthy of my honor and my thanks. 


So on this Mother's Day, I salute you, my beautiful children. Thank you for providing me with the life I was born to have. You are my reason for living. 




I love you. 

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Oops, I did it again

Missed last week's self-imposed blog deadline. Apologies. But I forgive myself.
Today, I'm going to thank my colleagues. For always being there. I am not an open person. At least, not in my work life. It takes a lot for me to open up to "work people" about what I do in my real life, away from work. 
Not quite sure where this comes from, but I think it has to do with general paranoia. I live in a town small enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I either taught, or currently teach. I've been here long enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I taught or teach. And as a teacher, I'm supposed to be an upright citizen. Which I guess I am, mostly.
But I have things I enjoy which might not be considered "upright." At least not by today's right-leaning standards. And at my ripe old age, I've learned that these right-leaning folks can be very vocal (if misinformed). And right now, I need this job. So I don't talk much about my real life to my work friends.


But I also know that I'm missing out on some things because of this. I work with some really WONDERFUL people. Generous. Caring. And each time I'm in need, they reach out and fill the need. Without judgement. Now, my paranoid self thinks, "Probably WITH judgement, but they're kind enough to keep it to themselves." But it doesn't really matter. They are there for me, and I am so grateful. It makes me wonder, if I were only more open about my real life, I might find that they would STILL accept me, accept my left-leaning ways, accept that I'm not as upright as I appear. And they'd still be there.
But I'm not ready to let go of my paranoia. So I keep the wall up. They're still there. They make me feel so good. And I am so grateful for that. Thank you, friends. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Gratitude and Shame

Okay, let's get the shame out of the way first. I'm ashamed because I made a promise to myself when I started this that I would write about my gratefulness once a week, on Sundays. That quickly turned into twice a month. But this time, it's been a full MONTH since I've blogged. I don't like myself when I don't keep my promises, even to myself. So I'm going to fix that.

Now for the good stuff. Today was an exhausting but happy day. I'm pretty sick, so I didn't feel much like doing anything. But daughter #3 was coming to spend the day digging through old stuff, helping me clean out the garage and a bedroom. It was a blast. She is so enchanted with anything from her childhood. I love hearing her crazy giggle as she opens a plastic bin and discovers some long-lost treasure. Today was full of moments like that, and each time, they lifted me out of my stuffy-headed funk. We may not have completed all the work I hoped to complete, but the time together was priceless. I found my treasure today.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Partners in Crime

I'm grateful for my colleagues. We are all criminals. We've been told this by our bosses, so it must be true. We all received letters in our personnel files, labeling us as "civil disobedients." 
I'm proud to stand with these miscreants.  I'm proud to sing, march, chant with them. We are bound together in a fight that will change history. And it's made us stronger. So I'm also grateful for the right to protest. While the circumstances which created the need for our protest are sickening, the protests themselves are energizing, uplifting, and life-changing.
http://whitehouse2012.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/ap_wisconsin_budget_protests_ll_ssh.jpg
My colleagues are strong, bright, creative people, and I'm proud and grateful to stand with them. 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Little Town

Never, NEVER did I ever think I would live in a small town.  I grew up in a big city, lived in the suburbs, drove through serious rush hours, waited hours for a table at up-and-coming restaurants. I'm a CITY GIRL.
But not any more. I live in a small bedroom community, on the outskirts of a mid-size city, and I LOVE it. My girls were raised in a one-high-school town. Though this can be a real downside to small town life, I loved that we pretty much knew everyone in the school. It made it easier to know who my girls were hanging out with, easier to get to know the families, and it was wonderful to watch all of our young people grow up together.
The city we're near offers enough music, art, and theater to keep us satisfied, and when the girls were young we had lots of options for day trips and free entertainment. 
Nowadays, I have to admit, I use the bigger city for my shopping, entertainment, and social needs. The town I actually live in has begun to feel claustrophobic--I teach in this town, and have for over 20 years--so sometimes it's weird to be waited on or served by former students. I don't really enjoy having my students' parents perusing my shopping cart to see what I'm buying, and I definitely don't want to listen to local taxpayers complain about how teachers are paid too much while I'm getting my hair cut, or trying to relax at the local coffee shop. So I retreat to the city, where I can disappear. 
I'm grateful for my house, and my immediate surroundings. I still love working in a smaller school district--the people I work with are fantastic. I'm grateful for my big-city upbringing, and for my nightly retreat to small town America. But you can't entirely take the city girl out of me. 

http://www.clipartreview.com/pages/100810-212305-557009.html

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Movies

It seems trivial to be thankful for something as mundane as movies, but when I think about how influential movies have been in my life, I have to pause and be grateful.
I have some early memories of going downtown with my mother and brothers to see "blockbusters," like 633 Squadron and Von Ryan's Express. I find it odd to remember going to see these war movies with my MOTHER and not my dad--but I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that my dad was always picking up odd carpentry jobs on weekends, so he wasn't very available.
Growing up, we had a couple movie theaters in our suburb, and we could ride our bikes to at least two of them. I remember feeling so safe, ensconced in the darkness of the theater, surrounded by the story of someone else's life.
We all know the movie-theater experience of today is drastically different. We're bombarded by commercials, surrounded by audience members who don't know HOW to watch a movie politely, and in silence. I still go to the movies, but, like the rest of the country, I tend to watch movies more at home, where I can control the atmosphere. I like to turn off the lights and pretend I'm in my own little theater. Though I do enjoy seeing some current films (The King's Speech is the best movie I've seen in YEARS!), when I'm looking for comfort, I tend to break out the classics. This weekend, TMC was running several of my favorites. Saturday night I curled up with Little Big Man, and today was my all-time favorite romance, Dr. Zhivago.
I'm grateful for movie music, for memorable acting moments, but mostly, I'm grateful for the pure rush of emotion that engulfs me when I'm part of a fabulous movie.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Everything Old is New Again

Well, it's here. The New Year. Do you feel different? I do, sort of. What is it about January 1st that makes us feel different? Maybe it's just that we all EXPECT so much. We've been raised to think of this as a chance for do-overs, to feel obligated to make big changes (for the better) in our lives.
Do you make New Year's resolutions? I do, but as I get older, I cut myself more slack than I did before. I don't set limits or dates to see the results. I believe in goal-setting, I believe in checking in with those goals. But I seem more able to take the unexpected into account, to forgive myself a few missed deadlines.
Of course, I won't miss a deadline that affects someone else. Absolutely not. I'm always more willing to sacrifice what I want to do in order to not disappoint someone else. I know that's not a good thing, really. It's an old habit--the people-pleaser gene. I'm sad that I seem to have passed that on to at least two of my children. I didn't do a good job of instilling a "your needs should matter to you" mindset, so they are people-pleasers, too. 
Hopefully, they can learn from the mistakes they see me make. I'm still learning how to navigate through this life. I like the "wisdom" that comes with age, I like the idea of becoming a better person each day. I guess that's one of the reasons The New Year appeals to me. More chances to grow.