Monday, June 27, 2011


I need to say yes. I've been making a lot of promises lately,  almost all to myself, and I haven't been good about keeping them. I say yes initially, and then I find a reason to say no. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself, and all these "nos" are taking a toll.  Instead of enjoying my time off, taking in every moment of good weather (without the humidity that will KILL me later this summer), I'm more depressed than I have been in a year, and I'm certain it's because I'm afraid to say yes.

Intellectually, it's easy to see the cycle that keeps me down. I hole up, I don't visit with people, I cancel plans, I keep to myself.  Then I have so much time alone to dwell on how lonely and alone I am. I feel sadder and sorrier for myself. I get angry, say I'm going to push through and reach out to others. I chicken out and climb back into my hole.  So stupid, and so obvious.  I KNOW it's a fixable problem, and I know I'M the only one who can fix it. But depression makes you feel so tired, so lazy, everything seems so pointless. I KNOW this. Now I have to CHANGE this.

Like Bob, I'm going to take baby steps.  I won't say yes to everything--it's just not gonna happen, so I don't want to set myself up to fail yet again. But I WILL say yes to at least ONE THING I don't really want to do per week, for the remainder of the summer. Yes, I will. YES, I WILL.

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