Sunday, April 17, 2011

Oops, I did it again

Missed last week's self-imposed blog deadline. Apologies. But I forgive myself.
Today, I'm going to thank my colleagues. For always being there. I am not an open person. At least, not in my work life. It takes a lot for me to open up to "work people" about what I do in my real life, away from work. 
Not quite sure where this comes from, but I think it has to do with general paranoia. I live in a town small enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I either taught, or currently teach. I've been here long enough to know someone who knows someone who knows someone I taught or teach. And as a teacher, I'm supposed to be an upright citizen. Which I guess I am, mostly.
But I have things I enjoy which might not be considered "upright." At least not by today's right-leaning standards. And at my ripe old age, I've learned that these right-leaning folks can be very vocal (if misinformed). And right now, I need this job. So I don't talk much about my real life to my work friends.

But I also know that I'm missing out on some things because of this. I work with some really WONDERFUL people. Generous. Caring. And each time I'm in need, they reach out and fill the need. Without judgement. Now, my paranoid self thinks, "Probably WITH judgement, but they're kind enough to keep it to themselves." But it doesn't really matter. They are there for me, and I am so grateful. It makes me wonder, if I were only more open about my real life, I might find that they would STILL accept me, accept my left-leaning ways, accept that I'm not as upright as I appear. And they'd still be there.
But I'm not ready to let go of my paranoia. So I keep the wall up. They're still there. They make me feel so good. And I am so grateful for that. Thank you, friends. 

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