Yes.

I need to say yes. I've been making a lot of promises lately,  almost all to myself, and I haven't been good about keeping them. I say yes initially, and then I find a reason to say no. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself, and all these "nos" are taking a toll.  Instead of enjoying my time off, taking in every moment of good weather (without the humidity that will KILL me later this summer), I'm more depressed than I have been in a year, and I'm certain it's because I'm afraid to say yes.

Intellectually, it's easy to see the cycle that keeps me down. I hole up, I don't visit with people, I cancel plans, I keep to myself.  Then I have so much time alone to dwell on how lonely and alone I am. I feel sadder and sorrier for myself. I get angry, say I'm going to push through and reach out to others. I chicken out and climb back into my hole.  So stupid, and so obvious.  I KNOW it's a fixable problem, and I know I'M the only one who can fix it. But depression makes you feel so tired, so lazy, everything seems so pointless. I KNOW this. Now I have to CHANGE this.

Like Bob, I'm going to take baby steps.  I won't say yes to everything--it's just not gonna happen, so I don't want to set myself up to fail yet again. But I WILL say yes to at least ONE THING I don't really want to do per week, for the remainder of the summer. Yes, I will. YES, I WILL.

Finding My Way

I am directionally challenged. It's a bit of a family joke, as I once went out for morning doughnuts and ended up in another state. Yeah, without the doughnuts. Nice drive, but not what I meant to do.


Sometimes I truly enjoy the twists and turns in the road that take me in a new direction. This morning, for example, I had a 10:00 a.m. appointment, but left the house at 7:30 thinking I'd run some errands first and finish just in time. I ended up with some time to kill, so I wound my way through some neighboring towns I'd never visited.  It was a lovely morning for a drive, and I found two nature areas that provided a few minutes of respite. So it was great. 


On the other side of the coin, though, are the twists and turns that make me uneasy. The kind where I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what to expect, and I don't really want to go into something new! I know those happen to everyone--the old chestnut, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." But you'd think by this age---OLD---I'd be better prepared to go with the flow, and take changes in stride. Nope, not me. I throw a hissy fit, I curl up in a ball, I lose sleep. WTF.


I intend to work on my ability to just go with it. I love learning, and I know that each unexpected twist is an opportunity, so I'm going to strive to look for the lesson.  I'm going to go back to my meditation/mantra breathing. I want to ease on down the road, not careen wildly, trying to get back on the "right" path. 


Okay, now where did I put my keys?